You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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