I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
