you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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