You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
