i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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