i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
