after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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