I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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