I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Randomize
