I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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