So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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