see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
