It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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