Don't make out with my wife yet
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
