well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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