Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
