hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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