It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
