sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
