'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
