I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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