is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
