Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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