I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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