I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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