Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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