i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
