Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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