life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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