She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize