She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
