My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
