I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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