your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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