I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
