My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
