When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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