Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
