My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
