My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
