Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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