They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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