Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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