I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
