I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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