A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You took a bar mat shot.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
