im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
