i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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