Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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