She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
