she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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