before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
