Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
