Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
