the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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