The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
