To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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