Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
