he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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